my parents taught me to stand up for myself. no matter the situation, no matter the person.  allowing someone to degrade, humiliate, and dehumanize me was proscribed and I deserved better.  but what does “standing up for yourself” really mean? as you get older, you encounter people who hold your education, career, potential progress, and, sometimes life, in the palm of their hand, which can be pulverized in an instant.

maneuvering through this program has introduced me to an assortment of personalities.  you would think psychology would be a field saturated with touchy-feely, compassionate people.  in reality, these benevolent qualities are reserved for clients- not graduate students or trainees.  we, the students, experience the other side.  the side that is irascible.  the side that is eager to scold when typos are present.  the side that may hold contempt for students.  the vengeful side to get back at students who slightly critique or question them.   but the fact remains, recommendations, placement sites, grades, and assistance are needed.  how do you sustain dignity without making yourself a target for future reprisal?  keeping myself on this tight rope is mentally draining.   i regularly see  students being treated as less than human.  i always think “if that were me, i’d…” and most of the time i would.  this time is different though.

i burned a sizable amount of bridges my second year.  i felt valid in my disdain for the site and the people.  their unethical treatment stagnated my professional development.   their outlandish behavior served as a template that should not be copied.  now, i find myself in a similar predicament, but to a much lesser extreme.  i’m oscillating between speaking about my raw feelings or just letting the incident slide because in the grand scheme, it is small.  however, the principle of “standing up for yourself” pulls me back.  i need as many open opportunities as possible.  i need future recommendation letters.  i need help in multiple academic domains.  i need this esoteric network of local psychologists to not develop preconceived notions of me and my abilities.   i do not have the luxury of eliminating possible professional relationships.  i used up all my passes.

the main goal is the phd.  numerous times i have been told to pick my battles.  that’s easy to do being on the other side of the fence.  for me, someone who is not there yet and groomed on the old axiom, it is difficult to discern what and when is the headache worth it.  is this a battle worth fighting?