05.24.09
what’s important?
my parents taught me to stand up for myself. no matter the situation, no matter the person. allowing someone to degrade, humiliate, and dehumanize me was proscribed and I deserved better. but what does “standing up for yourself” really mean? as you get older, you encounter people who hold your education, career, potential progress, and, sometimes life, in the palm of their hand, which can be pulverized in an instant.
maneuvering through this program has introduced me to an assortment of personalities. you would think psychology would be a field saturated with touchy-feely, compassionate people. in reality, these benevolent qualities are reserved for clients- not graduate students or trainees. we, the students, experience the other side. the side that is irascible. the side that is eager to scold when typos are present. the side that may hold contempt for students. the vengeful side to get back at students who slightly critique or question them. but the fact remains, recommendations, placement sites, grades, and assistance are needed. how do you sustain dignity without making yourself a target for future reprisal? keeping myself on this tight rope is mentally draining. i regularly see students being treated as less than human. i always think “if that were me, i’d…” and most of the time i would. this time is different though.
i burned a sizable amount of bridges my second year. i felt valid in my disdain for the site and the people. their unethical treatment stagnated my professional development. their outlandish behavior served as a template that should not be copied. now, i find myself in a similar predicament, but to a much lesser extreme. i’m oscillating between speaking about my raw feelings or just letting the incident slide because in the grand scheme, it is small. however, the principle of “standing up for yourself” pulls me back. i need as many open opportunities as possible. i need future recommendation letters. i need help in multiple academic domains. i need this esoteric network of local psychologists to not develop preconceived notions of me and my abilities. i do not have the luxury of eliminating possible professional relationships. i used up all my passes.
the main goal is the phd. numerous times i have been told to pick my battles. that’s easy to do being on the other side of the fence. for me, someone who is not there yet and groomed on the old axiom, it is difficult to discern what and when is the headache worth it. is this a battle worth fighting?
05.18.09
relaxation.
i landed yesterday to partake in a much needed respite from school, the courts, and the city.
the end of the semester leaves me exhausted and drained. the final weeks culminate in an anti-climatic end. i find myself at loss of what to do. much of the semester is spent scurrying from one place to another, back to back without time to take a breath. trips home are intended to be a source of relaxation. a place to sleep in past 9. a place to free my mind of my obligations. a place to enjoy being me. a place to slow down. yet, the pace, the mindset of school is ingrained. i wind up at home thinking about the work i should complete to lighten my load before i head back. it’s inspires disgust in me. before graduate school, i perfected the ability to compartmentalize. school was here; leisure was over there. the two never met. now, they are intertwined. i struggle to leave behind one aspect of my life. i carry it half-way across the country.
this time i plan to do as much work as possible in two days. the leftover can wait til i return. i truely need time to rest. the energy that i expend ruminating about academic troubles and responsibility is out of proportion to its worth.
05.15.09
direction
the hardest part about all this is finding something to write. most importantly, something interesting for me to write. each day i think “hrmmm what i can discuss that is interesting to me and challenging to write” and each day the result is the same- nothing. blogs, especially those that atttract me, speak on specific issues. ones that meander from topic to topic come off as disjointed and ultimately uninteresting. i desire to be somewhat interesting in my blog, even more so in my writing style since this serves as a practice workbook. i’m torn between keeping the focus on random topics and concentrating in a specific area. cause i am one to oscillate and be indecisive, for now, i will keep it open topic.
05.14.09
a break in the clouds.
such a long day, such a good day. my day commenced at 7 in the am and ended at midnite. i had meetings and appointments scheduled back to back without much of a break. my lunch consisted of a rice krispe treat, cheetos, and a granola bar. while i was wanting in sustenance, i remained moderately upbeat and energetic.
the end of each semester brings me a tremendous amount of delight and relief. even better, the weather transforms from a tundra to a spring paradise. i’m not sure if it is one of these elements or a combination, but today was pretty alright.
05.12.09
another episode of my humbling journey.
today i reached one of the milestones in my program. i successfully defended a therapeutic client in front of the faculty. i was unusually calm leading up to the occasion. i am an inherently anxious person, so this was a new experience for me. the preparation and assistance i received through out the semester muted my propensity to worry. the process went smoothly without humiliation, yet a strong comment afterwards on my paper has shaken me to my core.
i have always held a sense of security in my verbal and writing skills. language skills came pretty naturally to me. high school teachers and professors during my undergraduate years proffered my papers as a model to my peers. it’s almost a cacophonous sound to hear someone critque, with such visceral, a skill that you believed was well-developed. i’m aware of my level of training. graduate school is a humbling journey where struggling seems mandatory. the accoldates i received for my presentation were overshadowed by the strong condemnation of my writing. i never thought of my writing as prestine or worthy of publishing. however, i thought it was decent. my goal now is to improve my skills each and every day. i have written the upcoming statement numerous times with sincerity, but i WILL write something, anything each day to hone my skills. length is immaterial. priority is trivial. practice is paramount.
