06.25.09
tired.
i am so tired – no exhausted. school is not in session, and i am still only getting a few hours of sleep. many of nights extend to 3 or 4 in the morning typing up reports or working on my thesis. just so i can get up early the next morning to resume my work. i usually end up like the picture. dozing off at my computer has now become a signal that bedtime has arrived. attempts to catch-up are futile since it puts me behind on work. i’m stuck between a rock and a hard place.
i wonder when i will have one week where i can do absolutely nothing. i miss my carefree summers. i chose this position because of the experience, but a respite would not hurt.
06.13.09
your arms are too short to box with.
how come some people with PhDs cannot admit they’re out of their depth in some areas? what is so difficult about recognizing one’s weaknesses?
this entire thesis process has been one of the worst academic experiences of my life. i feel like a ping pong ball bouncing back and forth between someone skilled in one area dispensing emprical information on and someone else who is an a dillettante in the same realm. i’m drained, tired, and upset. all i want is to defend my thesis and walk away with my master’s. instead, it just hangs above my head like a black cloud. people who are out of their depth should not try to swim. they need to signal the lifeguard and head back to more shallow waters. i’m through with being confused and being set-up to like the idiot. i’m through with this lingering assignment. i’m through with being treated as a child. i can no longer protect someone who is impeding my matriculation. it’s not fair to me and it is not fair to other students.
06.02.09
near capacity.
summers go by quickly and i am already overwhelmed. my list of things to do has already began to pile up. i’m trying to stay focused and diligent, but i really just want to sleep. hopefully, i develop a routine that’s practical and effective.
05.24.09
what’s important?
my parents taught me to stand up for myself. no matter the situation, no matter the person. allowing someone to degrade, humiliate, and dehumanize me was proscribed and I deserved better. but what does “standing up for yourself” really mean? as you get older, you encounter people who hold your education, career, potential progress, and, sometimes life, in the palm of their hand, which can be pulverized in an instant.
maneuvering through this program has introduced me to an assortment of personalities. you would think psychology would be a field saturated with touchy-feely, compassionate people. in reality, these benevolent qualities are reserved for clients- not graduate students or trainees. we, the students, experience the other side. the side that is irascible. the side that is eager to scold when typos are present. the side that may hold contempt for students. the vengeful side to get back at students who slightly critique or question them. but the fact remains, recommendations, placement sites, grades, and assistance are needed. how do you sustain dignity without making yourself a target for future reprisal? keeping myself on this tight rope is mentally draining. i regularly see students being treated as less than human. i always think “if that were me, i’d…” and most of the time i would. this time is different though.
i burned a sizable amount of bridges my second year. i felt valid in my disdain for the site and the people. their unethical treatment stagnated my professional development. their outlandish behavior served as a template that should not be copied. now, i find myself in a similar predicament, but to a much lesser extreme. i’m oscillating between speaking about my raw feelings or just letting the incident slide because in the grand scheme, it is small. however, the principle of “standing up for yourself” pulls me back. i need as many open opportunities as possible. i need future recommendation letters. i need help in multiple academic domains. i need this esoteric network of local psychologists to not develop preconceived notions of me and my abilities. i do not have the luxury of eliminating possible professional relationships. i used up all my passes.
the main goal is the phd. numerous times i have been told to pick my battles. that’s easy to do being on the other side of the fence. for me, someone who is not there yet and groomed on the old axiom, it is difficult to discern what and when is the headache worth it. is this a battle worth fighting?
05.18.09
relaxation.
i landed yesterday to partake in a much needed respite from school, the courts, and the city.
the end of the semester leaves me exhausted and drained. the final weeks culminate in an anti-climatic end. i find myself at loss of what to do. much of the semester is spent scurrying from one place to another, back to back without time to take a breath. trips home are intended to be a source of relaxation. a place to sleep in past 9. a place to free my mind of my obligations. a place to enjoy being me. a place to slow down. yet, the pace, the mindset of school is ingrained. i wind up at home thinking about the work i should complete to lighten my load before i head back. it’s inspires disgust in me. before graduate school, i perfected the ability to compartmentalize. school was here; leisure was over there. the two never met. now, they are intertwined. i struggle to leave behind one aspect of my life. i carry it half-way across the country.
this time i plan to do as much work as possible in two days. the leftover can wait til i return. i truely need time to rest. the energy that i expend ruminating about academic troubles and responsibility is out of proportion to its worth.
05.15.09
direction
the hardest part about all this is finding something to write. most importantly, something interesting for me to write. each day i think “hrmmm what i can discuss that is interesting to me and challenging to write” and each day the result is the same- nothing. blogs, especially those that atttract me, speak on specific issues. ones that meander from topic to topic come off as disjointed and ultimately uninteresting. i desire to be somewhat interesting in my blog, even more so in my writing style since this serves as a practice workbook. i’m torn between keeping the focus on random topics and concentrating in a specific area. cause i am one to oscillate and be indecisive, for now, i will keep it open topic.
05.14.09
a break in the clouds.
such a long day, such a good day. my day commenced at 7 in the am and ended at midnite. i had meetings and appointments scheduled back to back without much of a break. my lunch consisted of a rice krispe treat, cheetos, and a granola bar. while i was wanting in sustenance, i remained moderately upbeat and energetic.
the end of each semester brings me a tremendous amount of delight and relief. even better, the weather transforms from a tundra to a spring paradise. i’m not sure if it is one of these elements or a combination, but today was pretty alright.
05.12.09
another episode of my humbling journey.
today i reached one of the milestones in my program. i successfully defended a therapeutic client in front of the faculty. i was unusually calm leading up to the occasion. i am an inherently anxious person, so this was a new experience for me. the preparation and assistance i received through out the semester muted my propensity to worry. the process went smoothly without humiliation, yet a strong comment afterwards on my paper has shaken me to my core.
i have always held a sense of security in my verbal and writing skills. language skills came pretty naturally to me. high school teachers and professors during my undergraduate years proffered my papers as a model to my peers. it’s almost a cacophonous sound to hear someone critque, with such visceral, a skill that you believed was well-developed. i’m aware of my level of training. graduate school is a humbling journey where struggling seems mandatory. the accoldates i received for my presentation were overshadowed by the strong condemnation of my writing. i never thought of my writing as prestine or worthy of publishing. however, i thought it was decent. my goal now is to improve my skills each and every day. i have written the upcoming statement numerous times with sincerity, but i WILL write something, anything each day to hone my skills. length is immaterial. priority is trivial. practice is paramount.
04.27.09
enraged!
i am incredibly upset- no FURIOUS! i have been trying- relentently- to finish my thesis. it’s been 3 years from its inception and i have to yet to move on with my life. anytime, i asked the resident statistican for help, his answer is rife with irritation and a tone of condescension. he refuses to do his job, which is to teach and mentor. i want to finish and MUST do so in order to progress in this program. this man lacks any empathy. then decides to have a side conversation about me and what i can handle with my main advisor. how dare he?! i know all this will be presented under the guise of “caring about me”, but it’s a charade. if you did, you would not treat me like a fucking child and allow me to set my limits and capabilities. it is highly disrespectful and offensive. i sought you out and implored for your assistance. your response is to put me on hold til it’s feasible for you. and in the interregnum, you instruct me to basically do the analysis on my own. seriously…what is your purpose??? i regret putting you on my committee. i regret listening to my main advisor for suggesting that you be on my committe only because she has a personal relationship. i want to be done with my thesis before june 2009 and done WITH YOU!
01.06.09
White American culture is General Tso’s Chicken and Chop Suey.
very interesting and enlightening post de-bunking assumptions of Chinese cuisine. another example how subtle attributes influence American society in determing who and what is American.
White American culture is General Tso’s Chicken and Chop Suey.
(courtesy of Racialicious and Restructure)
December 29, 2008 — Restructure!
Finally, somebody summarized the myths that non-Chinese Americans have about Chinese food. Most of what White Americans consider “Chinese food” is mostly eaten by white people, and would be more accurately described as “American food” (and perhaps even “white people food”).
Jennifer 8. Lee has a great video on TED Talks titled, Who was General Tso? and other mysteries of American Chinese food.
Here are some important points from the video:
- Fortune cookies are almost ubiquitous in “Chinese” American restaurants, but they are of Japanese origin. Most people in China have never seen fortune cookies. Fortune cookies were “invented by the Japanese, popularized by the Chinese, and ultimately consumed by Americans.” Fortune cookies are more American than anything else.
- General Tso’s chicken is unrecognizable to people in China. It is the quintessential American dish, because it is sweet, it is fried, and it is chicken.
- Beef with broccoli is of American origin. Broccoli is not a Chinese vegetable; it is of Italian origin.
- Chop suey was introduced at the turn of the 20th century (1900). It took thirty years for non-Chinese Americans to figure out that chop suey is not known in China. “Back then”, non-Chinese Americans showed that they were sophisticated and cosmopolitan by eating chop suey.
- “Chinese” take-out containers are American.
- There is Chinese French food (salt-and-pepper frog legs), Chinese Italian food (fried gelato), Chinese British food (crispy shredded beef), Chinese West Indian food, Chinese Jamaican food, Chinese Middle Eastern food, Chinese Indian food, Chinese Korean food, Chinese Japanese food, Chinese Peruvian food, Chinese Mexican food (which look like fajitas), Chinese Brazilian food, etc.
- If McDonald’s is Microsoft, then Chinese food is Linux. Read the rest of this entry »
